Jump to content


Photo

Adult Jokes


  • Please log in to reply
113 replies to this topic

#101 newapasa

newapasa

    Honourable Member

  • WNSO Addict
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,052 posts

Posted 09 October 2009 - 09:24 AM

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my *******, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his ******* with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
Thought is free.

#102 newapasa

newapasa

    Honourable Member

  • WNSO Addict
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,052 posts

Posted 09 October 2009 - 09:34 AM

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your c*nt?" "**** off, no you can't smell my c*nt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
Thought is free.

#103 newapasa

newapasa

    Honourable Member

  • WNSO Addict
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,052 posts

Posted 09 October 2009 - 09:37 AM

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."
Thought is free.

#104 newapasa

newapasa

    Honourable Member

  • WNSO Addict
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,052 posts

Posted 09 October 2009 - 09:44 AM

There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he's seven inches long and is always up. They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me." They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say," Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says, "Exactly."
Thought is free.

#105 newapasa

newapasa

    Honourable Member

  • WNSO Addict
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,052 posts

Posted 09 October 2009 - 09:44 AM

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found? The birth control pill!
Thought is free.

#106 newapasa

newapasa

    Honourable Member

  • WNSO Addict
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,052 posts

Posted 09 October 2009 - 09:49 AM

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a pen*s on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"
Thought is free.

#107 newapasa

newapasa

    Honourable Member

  • WNSO Addict
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,052 posts

Posted 09 October 2009 - 09:50 AM

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck."
Thought is free.

#108 newapasa

newapasa

    Honourable Member

  • WNSO Addict
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,052 posts

Posted 09 October 2009 - 09:53 AM

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your ******* off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your ******* off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Thought is free.

#109 newapasa

newapasa

    Honourable Member

  • WNSO Addict
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,052 posts

Posted 09 October 2009 - 09:57 AM

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits
in the last row next to an elderly couple.

The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.

The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music", to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."
Thought is free.

#110 newapasa

newapasa

    Honourable Member

  • WNSO Addict
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,052 posts

Posted 09 October 2009 - 10:00 AM

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your ******* is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?". To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.

Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!
Thought is free.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users